Marvin (1938 -2020) and Theobald (1929-2017) hover, their backs appearing to rest against their tombstones in the dark of a starlit night. Marvin sits rather sprightly with both knees up, pretending to smoke an imaginary cigarette. Theobald (Theo to his friends), takes a more despondent posture, sprawling with legs akimbo, arms lying open-palmed by his sides. They argue….
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“You know that’ll kill you,” Theo muttered, looking disapprovingly in Marvin’s general direction. “It’s a stupid filthy habit, so if you’re going to do that, at least do it in your brass-trimmed rosewood casket.” Theo had already been living in the neighborhood a full 3 years when Marvin moved in and was somewhat jealous of the “big fuss” on that moving day and the ostentatious abode that would be Marvin’s for all eternity, or at least until some public works project required his rehoming.
“Right,’ Marvin countered, “You know what kills people? I’ll tell you what kills people. Medical malpractice kills people. I smoked for 60 years and never had a problem but just have one ultrasound probe shoved up my ass and ‘boom’ I’m deader than a doornail.”
“Ultrasound probes don’t kill people you moron. People like you are always trying to pin their misfortune on someone else. In your case, the doctor probably didn’t know which of your holes to shove it into,” replied Theo, now asserting a bit of his two-semesters-of-junior-college intellectual superiority.
“Well, Mr. Pine Box, according to expert witnesses, ultrasound probes with frayed wiring do kill people,” Marvin said with a touch of indignity in his voice. “Makes a hell of a mess in the operating theater too. It was like I was spraying the room with a fire hose. The hospital claimed they couldn’t find the power switch to turn it off. That’s what killed me they say. Now they have covers on the switches and they call it ‘The Marvin Mandate”
Then, as the events of that day simmered in Marvin’s mind, he paused a moment, as if he were finally putting two and two, or even smaller numbers, together. He put down his ghostly cigarette and stared off into the distance. His brow furrowed and he slowly began to speak, “You know, I should’ve read that paper they gave me. I think wasn’t supposed to eat at least a day before.”
Spraying the room, huh? It took me until the last line to figure out what was coming out of that fire hose. Ewwww. That said, the first line was a killer. What a pair!
And there you are, after quite some time, rattling off a great story, just like that. You haven’t lost your touch. Maybe I should ask YOU to come up with some writing challenges!
Great to hear from you, Gary. At the risk of being super corny: Write on! (Or as I tease my grandson, “Farm out!”)
Hi Anne,
It has been a long time. I think about 15 years. I probably need a refresher on my writing skills. Would love to do this class again. I’d be glad to look up your new website.
Here’s my rusty first sentence to the Two Ghost’s prompt.
They argue frequently about an unfinished disagreement they had about Marvin (while still living) and Theobald’s attractive but grieving widow.
That could be fascinating. Theo is dead, and Marvin is oogling Theo’s wife. Meanwhile, Theo apparently can perceive all this, and the stuff hits the fan when Marvin dies. I wonder what revenge Theo has in mind?
Welcome back! It’s great to hear from you. I hope you’ll keep going with your writing!
“Must you lie like that? You look as though you’re still at the site of the train wreck.” One eyebrow raised as he half looks over toward his new neighbor, Marvin delicately sends an imaginary smoke ring into the air. “You need to move on! Think of all the fun we can have now that we’re not stuck in our old lives.”
Theo sighs loudly. His lower lip juts forward.
“I miss Arthur,” he mutters softly, plucking at the already overgrown grass on his gravesite.
“Well he certainly doesn’t miss you! He took a dump right there at the…ugh!” Marvin turns his head away and pretends to gag. “Move your foot!” he insists. “No! Not That one, the Other one!” Retching noises can be heard as he buries his face into his elbow.
“He was just nervous, that’s all, and look! It didn’t even stick to my shoe! And I’m sure it doesn’t smell…well, I mean, my foot doesn’t smell, anyway.”
Marvin’s eyes scan the nearby graves. Most of them are occupied by people who died in their late 80’s…nearly a hundred years ago. Not one good looking female among them. His afterlife is starting to look like Saturday nights at Golden Gates, the nursing home he remembers his grandmother living at twenty years ago.
I was immediately taken by the imaginary smoke ring. So delicately sent! You also have a nice idea with Marvin’s disappointment at the unappealing prospects in the afterlife. We all wonder what it might me like, and with Halloween coming, you have a chance to spice things up a bit for these two. Can these two see the other ghosts? Arthur? Ooooo. So much to build on here.
Hi Boots2. Were you in my class back in the day? If so, welcome back!
Oh yes, I was in your class with Gully, Shandy, Peanut and I remember a guy named Walk.You were my first writing instructor and I was terrified. The candle exercise….oh my. It has been very nearly 20 years and I don’t remember what name I used. Boots2 is not it, though. I particularly enjoyed your assignments that required using a list of completely unrelated words that had to be included. That list of odd bits made the challenge extra fun!
Thanks for doing this again.
Hi Boots, This is Walk. Good to see you’re still around. I still keep up with Gully on Facebook, Shaddy passed away a couple of years ago, and I don’t know about Peanut. We had such a good time in that class, I pull my copy of the class out every now and then and relive that time. Maybe we can revive it here. I’ve moved, so if I can find my copy I’ll list some of the names on there.
“What took you so long to die? I’ve been waiting here for three years, and now you just casually show up.” Theobald was hot under his collar, if his ghostly body could wear a shirt. “Then you show up and embarrass me, I’ve been bragging about you, how you were so upper class, so suave and debonair, then you show up smoking a cigarette when I told them you only smoked Cuban cigars. You always embarrassed me, so why am I so upset now? I don’t know why, but I am.”
“You are embarrassed by me?” Marvin yelled back at Theobald, “Look at you, sprawled out like you’re auditioning for a house of ill repute. You wonder why it took me so long to die? Why I didn’t die in the train wreck when you did? I thought it was better to live in pain and agony than to come and listen to you bitch for eternity. So shut up or I’m gonna hop in the grave with Mabel.”
Theobald looked over at Marvin, “Missed you buddy.” “Yeah,” Marvin said, “Missed you too my friend.”
Love the ending. Being a woman, I’ve always suspected there is a secret man-code that consisted of constant insults covering over some very friendly feelings. You’ve captured that here.
Re: the class. Gullie is still around. Summergoose has turned up. Peanut, sadly, has also died, but not before she began teaching creative writing to inmates of the local jail. Quite the gal, our Peanut, and nobody was funnier.
We did have a lot of fun. I was often up until 4 a.m. but it was worth it. Those dang candle exercises! But we also galumphed and bricolaged and made something out of nothing. Yes, I hope we can all get some good practice here!
Walk! So glad to hear from you! Yes, we did have fun. I think I may have kept some of our class work also, now that you mentioned it, but I’ll have to figure out where. We’re downsizing, so a lot has been discarded already. We really had a fun and supportive group of people. I couldn’t have asked for more. Ann is a great mentor. If I hadn’t had her guidance first, I never would’ve had the courage to keep going because there are some tough audiences out there. I feel really lucky to have known all of you.
Ann and Walk, I did find an old notebook with some of my writing from BWW in it. I was using Bird Girl at the time. I could go back to that or stick with Boots. What say ye?
I like Bird Girl. A lot.